Red String
I received a text message. "Today, our divorce was finalized." The message from my mother was written simply, even though she usually sends me messages with many pictures and symbols.
I remember that I didn't feel any particular emotion, except that the time had come.
Because my parents continued to live apart in the same house for a long time, their relationship gently came to an end over the years. It was no wonder that a draft blowing between the two could completely break the family at any time.
In Japan, legend has it that a man and woman who are predestined to meet have been tied at the little finger by an invisible red string since the time they were born.
Unfortunately, the red string tying my parents together came undone, broke, or perhaps was never even tied to begin with. But if the two had never met, I would never have been born into this world. If anything, you might say that there is an unbreakable red string of fate between parent and child.
Before long, I found myself thinking about the relationship between my parents and I. How many days could I see my parents living far away? What if I couldn't see them anymore? Since I couldn't help feeling extremely anxious about it, I was driven to visit my parents' house many times.
Every day I engage in awkward conversation with my parents, as if in a scene in their daily lives. I adapt myself to them, and they shift their attitude toward me. We do not give way entirely to the other side, but rather meet halfway.
Indeed family problems remain unresolved, although sometimes we tell allegorical stories and share feelings. It means a lot to us that our perspectives have changed with communication.
My family will probably never be all together again. But I feel without a doubt that there is proof inside of each of us that we once lived together. To ensure that the red string that ties my family together does not come undone, I want to reel it in and tie it tight.
「今日、離婚が成立しました。」いつもはたくさんの絵文字で装飾されて送られてくる母のメールも、その時ばかりはごく簡素に記されただけだった。
その時は、ついに来る時が来たのかという思い以外に特別な感情を抱くこともなかったことを覚えている。
何しろ両親は長い間家庭内別居を続けていて、その関係は何年もかけて緩やかに坂を下ってきた。両者の間に吹くすきま風は、いつ家族を完全に崩壊させてしまっても不思議ではなかったのだ。
日本には昔から「運命的な出会いをする男女は、生まれたときからお互いの小指が目に見えない『赤い糸』で結ばれている」という言い伝えがある。
残念ながら両親を結ぶ赤い糸はほどけてしまったのか、切れてしまったのか、そもそも結ばれていなかったのかもしれない。しかし2人の出会いがなければ、私はこの世に生を受けることは無かったのだ。むしろ親子の間にこそ、切っても切れない運命の赤い糸が存在していると言えるのかもしれない。
いつしか私は、両親と私との繋がりについて考えるようになった。
遠く離れて暮らす両親とあと何日会えるのか。もう会えないかもしれないという焦燥感。次第にその存在は、どうしようもなく気掛かりで仕方のないものとして私の中で膨れ上がり、居ても立っても居られず我が家に何度も通った。
ぎこちない会話を交わしながら、ただ目の前にある現実を複写していく毎日。私は2人に合せて動きを変え、2人も私に合わせて形を変える。どちらかが一方的に譲歩するのではなく、互いに歩み寄っていく感覚。
たとえ話や思いを共有できたからといって実際に問題は何も解決していないけれど、それで得られる心の変化はとても大きい。
家族が一同に会すことはもう二度とないだろう。しかし私たちが一緒に生きた証は、家族それぞれの中に今でも確かに存在していると感じることができる。そしてこのまま家族を結ぶ赤い糸がバラバラにほどけてしまわないように、私はそれを手繰り寄せ固く結び付けていきたい。
FEATURE
Collection
Seattle Art Museum Libraries: Dorothy Stimson Bullitt Library; McCaw Foundation Library, Seattle, WA United States
Zentralinstitut für Kunstgeschichte, Bibliothek, München, Germany
Northeastern University: Snell Library, Boston, MA United States
Tufts University - Tisch Library, Medford, MA United States
Metropolitan Museum of Art: Thomas J. Watson Library, New York, NY United States
Museum of Fine Arts, Houston: Hirsch Library, Houston, TX United States
Museum of Modern Art (MOMA), New York, NY United States
Tate Library and Archive, London, United Kingdom
Centro de la Imagen, Mexico City Mexico
Three Shadows Xiamen Photography Art Center, Xiamen China
kaitak, Centre for Research and Development in Visual Arts, Hong Kong
Pathshala South Asian Media Institute Library, Dhaka Bangladesh
Franklin Furnace Archive, Inc., New York USA